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Toys: What Kind? How Many? Any?

May 21, 2013 by Franziska

“Without this playing with fantasy, no creative work has ever yet come to birth. The debt we owe to the play of the imagination is incalculable.” ― C.G. Jung

Sometimes, living simply and being a simplicity parent isn’t simple. Simplicity doesn’t agree with our culture. We are constantly bombarded with messages that tell us that what we really need is material abundance and that more stuff will lead to more happiness. We are also getting the messages that screens and apps are good teachers for our children; that we need to expose them to more, involve them in more, and get them to grow up faster. Even when we embrace different values (those of simplicity), we are not deaf to these messages and we are open to doubting our own position.

As my kids get older (they are almost 2 and almost 4), it’s getting less fun to take them shopping. All the sudden they notice toys and gadgets lurking at every corner. And they are drawn instantly to the ones that are battery operated, make noise and flash lights. And I see that they light up when they push the button and the doll says “how are you?” Of course, I know that this amazement is short lived and that they won’t be playing with this toy for very long. It also helps me understand why people love to gift these toys. What a kick it is to give someone something and get an immediate response. A bucket of blocks or a bag of marbles might not get the same response.

Those toys need to be discovered, they require some quiet time where the child can immerse himself in the play. It’s probably not going to be the hit at the birthday party.

At the bottom of the question of “what toys do children need” and “how many toys do children need” lays the fundamental question of “do they need toys at all?”— I hear you all gasping. —And I’m not suggesting taking all the toys out of the playroom. But I think the fact that children do actually quite well without toys might be the best argument for right-sizing in the playroom.

In Germany, the project toy-free preschool was developed by members of a study group to prevent addiction. They based their idea of former research that reported that habit-forming behaviors start forming during childhood and that toys can be used to cover up unsatisfied needs. For three months, all toys and craft materials are removed from the classroom. Only furniture, pillows and blankets remained. Some materials could be distributed upon the children’s request. Teachers are only there to observe and keep the kids safe – not to entertain them or provide quick solutions.

The study found that the following skills and competencies were enhanced during the toy free time:

• the capability to form relations with other people,

• the perception of personal needs and self-confidence,

• communicative competence, creativity and critical thinking,

• the toleration of frustrations and the capacity for play.

One of the major observations the teachers made was that the possession of the toys was often more important than the actual play. Therefore, the toys actually kept children from playing.

It needs to be pointed out, that this project was not supposed to be anti-toys. Neither am I anti-toys. However, it does highlight that a) some toys dictate a certain play while others foster creativity, and b) that – as so often – less is more.

Even though we might be bombarded with messages that tell us that we need more, if we take the time to listen to the messages we get from our children we will easily discover that they tell us otherwise…

Happy Simplifying!

Posted in Family, Simplicity Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Screen Free Week

May 15, 2013 by Franziska

Simplicity ParentingI’m blogging today over at Simplicity Parenting about our screen-free-week experience. Hop over and check it out!

http://www.simplicityparenting.com/2013/05/disconnecting-to-reconnect-discovering-how-freeing-a-screen-free-week-can-be/

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Why Staying at Home Doesn’t Need to be a Career Killer

May 13, 2013 by Franziska

Pamela Druckerman, author of “bringing up Bebe” is one of the debaters on NY Times “Motherlode” .

The topic of debate is the parenting styles of French vs. American women. Reading her argument supporting the “French” way of parenting, or, more specific, mothering, finally gave me some insight on why I can’t help but being troubled by this approach ever since the debate opened.

She says, “And as Badinter points out, what are mothers supposed to do once their kids are grown?” This type of questioning seems to be a common technique that appears all over the parenting horizon. Subtle yet noticeable, Druckerman implies that the decision to be a long-term, full-time mother messes you up for the real; that is, the corporate world and that no skills used or learned as a mother could be of any use when our children grow up. Sadly, of course, she has a point. The point is not, however, that with every year you stay at home and take care of your children your career potential diminishes. Rather, the point is to convince us to hop onto this bandwagon and therefore let it become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  That is, our society perceives stay-at-home years as anti-career and long-term, stay-at-home mothers do face a harder time getting back into the workforce. However, as long as mothers themselves proclaim this opinion as truth, women will, indeed, face a tough return into the “real” world.

My point is not to convince every mom to stay at home, and I’m certainly not arguing that staying at home is the only good way to raise kids.  We all know career moms who wish they could stay home and stay at home moms who wish they were back on the job.  My point is to begin to refute the assumption that staying at home kills your career, end of story. And my point is for moms, themselves to be accepting of that other option, because the ideal for many of us is to be at home and working full time . . . beautifully cloned.

What we learned from the recession is that everybody who is out of work has a difficult time going back. When you are ready to get back into the workforce, go back with confidence. Stop apologizing for spending time at home and get yourself up to speed in whatever area you feel it is needed.

I’ve also noticed that the same – “you’d better do this right away” argument is applied to many other parenting issues that often put the stay at home mom on the defensive; e.g.,

  • “If you don’t let your baby cry it out, he/she will never learn how to soothe herself.”
  • “If you don’t send your children to daycare, they will never learn the necessary social skills.”
  • “If you don’t get back to work quickly after having a child, you will never be ‘Successful’.”

Children learn many skills over the years. They learn to walk, talk, and eat. It’s interesting that nobody ever suggests that you shouldn’t hold your baby’s hand because he might never walk by himself. Nobody ever suggests that if you feed your baby, she won’t be able to hold a spoon. Yet, for some reason, we assume that if we don’t let our children cry it out, they will Mom-with-babynever be able to go to sleep by themselves. We accept that the best way for children to get acclimated with others is to send them off to daycare – and that for some reason, family members don’t teach social skills to each other. And last but not least, we agree that motherhood puts us on the back burner when it comes to any measurable success in the years to come.

Words can be so powerful. If we don’t take the time to dismantle communication structures that sound convincing yet so often can work in both directions, we won’t be able to change the way we look at the issues surrounding modern parenting (whatever that is). Looking back in history, we never had a situation similar to today. We should take this as an opportunity to empower mothers to look for the opportunities instead of looking fearfully ahead to the years when we can’t call ourselves a stay at home mom anymore.

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Choosing the Right Commitments for Our Children

April 28, 2013 by Franziska

“The quality of your commitments will determine the course of your life.” – Ralph Marston

We need to realize that our life is made up of choices. Every day we face a whole battery of decisions that need to be made and opportunities that can be taken. In this vast array of choices we have many options. A viable, but perhaps overlooked choice is NO.

Even when our children are little, we have to figure out how we are raising them, educating them, surrounding them. We can certainly sign them up for many things. Their days might be filled with preschool, soccer, music, dance, playgroups, gymnastics … you name it.

But, we can also choose to keep their schedule light, to say “no” to some things.  After all, they are children and we need to give them the opportunity to play freely and discover their surroundings without constant “lessons”.589

We can choose to focus on just a few scheduled activities; quality not quantity. This leads not only to a schedule that is less overwhelming, it is also teaching anticipation. Children can look forward to a once-a-week playgroup instead of trying to understand why they need to drive around for hours for so many activities with so many people at very different times. In addition, saying no to too many scheduled activities can mean saying yes to opportunities for free play, true creativity, and unleashed exploration.

We can choose to keep a steady rhythm. We can provide them a framework that has steady pillars every day. They know what they can expect from their morning routine, their afternoon walk, their bedtime ritual. This way, we can take a lot of stress off their shoulders.

The choices and commitments we make have a huge impact on not only how our life plays out but also what the daily quality of our life looks like. The choices and commitments we make for our children will impact their whole life – and equips them with the knowledge and strength to say NO when a choice or commitment is not the quality that would benefit them.

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You Can’t Make a Horse Drink Water. But You Can Make It Thirsty.

April 19, 2013 by Franziska

Our pastor used this quote in a sermon. He used it – quite appropriately – to talk about what we can and cannot do to lead people to Christ.

Originally, this quote is part of a story about a salesman. Even though he cannot make people buy something, he can certainly elevate their desire to do so.

I couldn’t stop wondering, however, how this applies to parenting. It seems to me that we encounter this scenario every day. Unless you use force, fear and/or extreme punishments, we cannot make our children do certain things. Even more, we cannot make them like or dislike certain things. And, probably the strongest application, we cannot make them be somebody they are not.

It seems that we make our kids do things all the time. We take them to the store even though they don’t want to go. We make them pick up their stuff when they’d rather go outside. The truth is, however, that with every week, month, or year that our kids grow older, we lose some power. We might be able to put our one year old in a car seat even though she really resists. But try this with a middle schooler.  We can raise them well, respectful to their parents, following orders willingly. But we don’t have a remote control.

When my oldest started to eat table food, she would eat everything from Brussels sprouts to kale. No kidding. Naively, I attributed this (completely) to our healthy eating habits and our talents as parents. When my younger daughter came along, she didn’t eat any table food until 11 months old. After that, she would only eat things with a crunchy texture. She accepted her first bite of banana at 18 months… I could not make her eat kale. I could, however, keep serving her healthy choices and not give in to e.g., let her whole meal plan consist of crackers and pretzels. She still doesn’t eat everything. But she slowly develops a taste for the foods we generally eat (with smooth texture and all).

We sometimes carry hopes and dreams for our kids that they are not equipped to fulfill. We might want them to become a famous pianist but they have no talent for or interest in music. We want them to be an engineer but their strength isn’t with numbers. We need to restrain ourselves to mold them into something they are not.

But they are certainly areas where we can make them “thirsty” to become better. We might encourage them to stand up for what they believe in. Tell the truth even if it’s hard. Trust God even though his path seems the more difficult one. We can model, teach, support, and guide. We cannot do it for them – but we can make them thirsty.

Many people have failed trying to “make” somebody else do, love or be something. Fewer have failed to equip them for the right path. At the end, as tough as it seems, we can only stand back and hope for the best.

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Take the “YES” Challenge

April 13, 2013 by Franziska

I noticed lately that I sometimes say NO to my daughters without any good reasons. I say NO to reading a book because I need to send a couple of text messages. I say NO to telling a story because I just noticed that the cabinet needs to be polished. I say NO to singing together because I need to quickly check something on the computer. I say NO to building the tower because I need to say NO every so often, don’t I?

Did you notice a pattern? These needs are not really that important. On a regular basis, I could easily say YES to their requests.

Don’t get me wrong here.

  • I say YES a lot. We read, sing, and tell a lot of stories in this house.
  • I do believe that children cannot always get what they ask for. They need to learn the boundaries. They need to be able to play by themselves. They need to understand that they will encounter a lot of “NOs” in their lives.

That being said, every so often my NOs don’t make sense. I don’t really need to send a text or check something on the computer right now. I can easily tell a story while cleaning the cabinets. I have plenty of opportunity to say NO – for really good reasons. (No, we are not going to have a pet giraffe.  – No, we are not having crackers for lunch. – No, we are not there yet…)

So I set myself up for the YES challenge. A few days ago I started to keep myself from saying NO when I can easily say YES. I’m not always fast enough to catch myself but I had some success. I noticed some awesome things that follow this little change:

  1. It feels quite liberating.
  2. My daughters’ surprise about my YES is awesome (and it tells me that this challenge was about time…)
  3. My daughters’ joy about my YES is contagious.
  4. It does not add any additional reading, singing, playing time to my day. It just moves it to a different time.
  5. I’m learning more about my kids natural rhythm and how to adjust better to it.
  6. A clear YES earlier makes it much easier to accept a clear NO later.

Are you going to join me in this challenge?

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40 Reasons to Cook as a Family

March 23, 2013 by Franziska

I am passionate about bringing kids in the kitchen and involving them in real work – real cooking – real cleaning. It is something that is incredibly enriching for me, my husband, and my children. I started a list to keep track of the endless benefits that come from cooking together. So here are my top 40 reasons why it’s important for my family to cook – and to do it together.

If you cook together…

  1. Dinner becomes an event instead of something to just fill your belly.
  2. Your children become invested in the meal and eat better.
  3. Your children develop an understanding of the seasons.
  4. Your children actually learn how to cook themselves.
  5. Your children understand what goes into food.
  6. Your family gets healthier.
  7. You share more stories.
  8. You have more people over and practice hospitality.
  9. Your home becomes more important.
  10. You save money.
  11. You naturally develop a better family rhythm.
  12. You become a better planner.
  13. You put your family values on center stage.
  14. You know each other better.
  15. You become a better cook.
  16. You know what goes into your food.
  17. You have better conversations.
  18. You also clean together (and therefore faster).
  19. You have a chance to quiet down.Moxie cutting onions 1
  20. You laugh more.
  21. You learn and teach patience.
  22. You (re-) train your taste buds.
  23. You let each other know how important family is.
  24. You get better organized.
  25. You get inspired.
  26. You pray together.
  27. You fail together.
  28. You exceed your own expectations together.
  29. You giggle.
  30. You need to face each other.
  31. You have tons of teaching opportunities.
  32. Your children learn responsibility.
  33. Your children experience with all their senses.
  34. Your family experiments more with food.
  35. You create a safe place.
  36. You might start gardening, too.
  37. You create traditions.
  38. You need to slow down.
  39. You will remember.
  40. You will be remembered.

What do you gain when you cook together? Please leave a comment!

Happy cooking!

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